I remember it so well…….
I was looking for parking at a shopping centre, when suddenly, right in the front row, a car started to reverse out in front of me. I quickly turned on my indicator and whispered a prayer of thanks. As I began to drive in, I read the sign in front of the space: “Parking for Moms with tots ONLY.” I quickly braked and just sat there for a moment and thought, ‘For Moms ONLY?’. Who knew a parking sign could be so cruel! The sign may well have said; ‘No barren women allowed. For women whose bodies actually work properly. For women who have had their prayers answered. For REAL women.’
Being a mom is something that I have always dreamed of. The desire to have and love children has driven many of my decisions—from marrying a man who would make an amazing dad, to buying a three bedroom house with a back garden for my children to play in. So, when my husband and I were married for two years, we decided to start trying. And we did just that. Tried and tried and tried. Eventually a year went by and I vividly recall every month of that year being torturous. I was officially put into the ‘struggling to conceive’ category. I was a failure as a woman.
The next few months consisted of countless doctors’ appointments, medical tests and learning about things like ovulation predictors, endometriosis and talking about possible treatment plans to do something inside my body. Something that everyone else seemed to be able to do so naturally.
I was constantly flooded with thoughts of doubt, fear and judgment :
‘What’s wrong with me? Why is God punishing me? How come she is pregnant, she barely even tried?’
Every time someone asked me when I was going to have a baby, it hurt so much that I could barely breathe from the pain. Instead of feeling happy for friends falling pregnant, it broke my heart.
‘My faith in the power of prayer was crushed and I even doubted that He would ever answer my prayers to be a mom’
I remember one morning when I just couldn’t take the plaguing thoughts anymore. I was sick of the waiting. The not knowing. The trusting. The wondering if God would answer. I drove to work feeling discouraged and wanting to give up on myself and on God.
That’s when a gentle, but firm voice spoke to me:
‘Stop! Stop right now! No more! You are the daughter of the Most High.
You serve a mighty, miracle working God, and all things are possible through Him.’
That moment in the car was definitely my turning point. I decided to start declaring His goodness and provision over my life. The fear didn’t just instantly disappear, but I was intentional to only speak His promises and truth going forward, no matter what my circumstances looked like. I began to envision my situation with God in it (Mark 11:24: ‘Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.’)
God’s Word calls us to live by faith and faith means trusting all that God promises for us through Christ Jesus.
promises to hold onto in times of disappointment:
1 . LET HIS WORDS AND PROMISES PLAY ON YOUR MIND
Hold onto his promises:
‘Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable.’
‘Commit your ways to the Lord, trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass.’
2 . SEEK GOD FIRST
When I felt disappointed by God it’s because in those moments, I was longing for a child more than I was longing for Him. The deep longing and aching I felt within me for a child could only ever be satisfied by Him.
‘But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.’
That same week, my husband and I participated in our Church’s annual offering called Heart for the House, where we stand together as a family and believe for unusual miracles to take place in our lives. We wrote our prayer down on paper : we wanted to announce to our friends and family over Christmas that we are pregnant. Two weeks after we sowed our miracle offering, we fell pregnant. And on Christmas Day we announced to our friends and family that I was 12 weeks pregnant. God did this, in His time, and in His way. All things are possible through Him.
If you are feeling despondent or disappointed in this season of waiting, just know that Spring is coming. But as long as the Winter lasts, do not lose heart. For God is with you.
“I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.”
All pictures taken by the amazingly talented Nicolette Kapp.