I was reading a devotion the other night, and it was talking about the importance of simplifying your life, and how everything feeds from your thought life and soon manifests and works it way out of your life (from how you react, through to how you feel and how you ultimately behave)
I have been on a little mission to simplify my thought my life. I have discussed here on the blog and on other platforms, how dealing with anxiety and the constant sense of panic has not been an easy journey and process.
I am hell bent on “it” not having the last say when it comes to my happiness, AND the hope that I have for the future, my future and the future of my family.
Therefore, I have been consciously working on it: by understanding it, by learning what my triggers are, and learning to be kinder to myself, and by also intentionally placing value on finding moments of rest, without feeling guilty about it.
Which is NOT easy, but I can feel change within my heart:
I’m not as fearful like I used to be,
I’m also learning to let go of things,
AND, to not overthink things to the death,
I’m also learning that the idea of being perfect and trying to please everyone is so exhausting and not realistic,
AND I am learning to trust in the sweet slow process of growing in wholeness.
AGAIN, not an easy process, as I constantly have to rethink the way I think about things. Or more like re-train my heart and default settings to respond in a better, more healthier way. Some days feel easier than others, then others days I sometimes just switch off mentally and emotionally, because it just feels too much.
Other days, when I feel as if I don’t have the words to articulate the reasons as to why I feel so overwhelmed, for no real reason at all – I just play faith filled music that best articulates what I can’t even put into words at times.
Back to the devotion:
I was reading a devotion on simplifying your life, and one of the questions they asked was:
“If you had a moment all to yourself with God what would you ask him, or what would you want to talk about with him?”
I was like : “Yes, such a good question!”
Then as I was about to think what I would want to talk to God about in person would be…..
Absolutely, nothing came to mind!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH $%^&*@#$ ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!
This caused me to panic! I was like : “But, um, God, I would want to say that you are so awesome, and um, and um!”
How could I not know what I wanted to say to God? The God who has brought nothing but sweet goodness, healing, restoration, AND unconditional perfect love into my heart…
WHY, WOULD I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO HIM ?
THEN, I smiled – and then I teared up, because after my little panic moment – I remembered that my favourite space, posture, and stance when I feel the most safest is when:
I AM QUIET, STILL, COMPLETELY SURRENDERED IN HIS PRESENCE.
There is no need to talk, or to question, because when it’s just him and me, all He wants from me is to feel safe, to surrender my panic –my anxiety –my overthinking, and let his loving arms bring peace and quiet in to my heart and mind.
Often my mind feels so cluttered with thoughts, and to have those moments with Him, where he makes me feel calm, and clear headed = is like healing in itself. What blows my mind, is that in moments where it’s just him and I, He still wants to put the focus on me and let me find rest in Him!!!
There are times when I actively: talk to God, write in my journals to him, for him, of him – then there are times when I sing songs to him, but for as long as I can remember our most sacred of times together – is when I am just still in his presence. Not trying to impress him, or anyone, not trying to have it all together, not hiding my heavy heart behind a masked smile –> just me, in all my mess <3
JUST KNOWING THAT HE IS GOD, IS ENOUGH FOR ME IN THOSE MOMENTS.
I speak openly about my faith, not as a means of forcing it down anyone’s throat. I respect everyones journey, whatever that might look like. I can only always share from a space of pure open honesty about how my Faith in God has brought such loving restoration within my heart, and deep into the soul of who I am.
I am not a perfect Christian, nor do I exclaim to be. I am human, I have weaknesses, and I struggle with anxiety – YET, despite my imperfections, I know that God loves me, all of me, flaws and all, and he wouldn’t have me, or you any other way.
Wrapping my head around anxiety, from medication, through to taking care of my mind, heart and body requires intentional work. Some days are good, then other days not so good – but I always feel as if God carries me through it all – so beautifully and so gracefully.
AND, man has given me a spirit of JOY despite it all!